I believe that at some point in your life, Jesus will present you with the opportunity to shift your dependence from family or those who have always provided for you onto Him, allowing Him to become your source and supply for the things you need. (Jeremy Pearsons)
The last post was supposed to be this one, but I ended up telling you all how I ended up in California. Oh well. That one was probably going to happen anyway, so now you have it.
So now I've been in California for nearly nine months. And overall, it's been really, really good. Med school, as I said before, is not much harder than college, and I am having tons of fun exploring Los Angeles whenever I can.
But I have to confess to you something: sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off being close to home.
Most of my classmates are from California, and many of them are from the greater LA area or Orange County (the next county over). They live a mere hour or two away from their families at most, and a couple of them live with their families. I lived with my family for a year before moving to LA, so I know that the support these classmates are getting from having their families nearby is tremendous (assuming that their families are close to them like mine is). For those who live at home, they don't have to worry about food or rent, and they get the security and the support of living in a place where people are obligated to care about their well-being.
I had that option too. Other than Keck, I only got into two other schools. With traffic, the two schools are both only an hour away from my house. Most of the time, I am glad that I took the other option and came to USC. Independence is wonderful, for one thing, and being able to explore a new city and coast in my spare time is another thing.
But occasionally, I find myself wondering if I can handle everything on my own. Usually, this happens when I feel like I haven't done everything right. This past block was one of those occasions. For the past eight weeks, we were learning neuroscience, along with head and neck anatomy. It was very interesting information, but it was a lot of information to learn, and in the midst of that, I started having some personal struggles. I found myself not studying as well as I had in other blocks, and for my perfectionist expectations, that was terrifying. I was continually disappointed in myself, and for the first time in a while, I felt like I was really alone.
I think that's when I started really wondering if I would have been better off going to a school nearby and commuting from my parents' house. My parents are the strongest people I know, especially in faith. If I was in their house, they would be able to encourage me up close. They would be able to see whatever problems I had up close and deal with them, and they certainly would have had me studying like I felt like I should have. And they would have made sure that I kept up with everything faith-wise: studying the Bible, going to church, listening to sermons every single day. I wouldn't have to trust myself to do those things myself; they would motivate me. Had I stayed home, the thought went, I wouldn't be struggling like this.
I remember crying out to the Lord one night: I can't handle this alone!!!
He ended up answering that cry before I uttered a word. Back in Chicago, my mother and some of her friends had been sensing trouble, and they had been praying for me a lot. She gave me several timely calls that helped me when I most needed it. In the end, I not only passed the neuroscience block, I passed it with an 11 percent margin.
And now I'm here, a week and a half later in the reproductive system block. Now I'm back to being glad to be here, but the thought still lingers in the back of my head: I need to go home. I need to be protected. To an extent, that thought is right. I do need to go home this summer and see my parents and my friends there. But I read the quote at the top of this post today, and it popped out of the page for me, because I feel like this is what the Lord has been telling me to do.
Before February (I think...this year feels like an eternity!), I assumed that I would be going back home for the summer. But on multiple occasions, often when I was listening to sermons or asking Him about this, the Lord told me to look for research opportunities in Los Angeles and to consider staying out here for at least part of the summer. And when I told Him that I needed to go home, and that my spiritual growth was not going well out here, His response was: then why did I send you here?
I can't deny Him on this front; I know that God sent me here. As I detailed in my last post, I had no interest in California before October 2016. It was never my idea to go to medical school over 2000 miles away from my family. It wasn't even my idea to apply to USC. He brought me here, and He's been sustaining me all through medical school. He brought me out of my nest in Chicago, got me to "mount on wings like eagles" and start a new life in Los Angeles. I think the quote above is what He wants to do with me. He doesn't want me to leave my family forever (that'd be awful!), but like a mother eagle who kicks her babies out of the nest when it's time to fly, I think He wants me to spread my wings.
And even as this new block has started, I'm finding myself to be less and less alone. My best friend from college, who is from Minnesota and had about as much interest in the Golden State as I did before 2016, is at USC working as a missionary with FOCUS (Fellowship of Catholic University Students). My other best friend from college hails from a town in LA County called Walnut, a mere hour from where I live. She and another friend from college got accepted to Keck as well, and are deciding at the moment if they want to come here or go to Berkeley (a six hour drive from LA). I found a church and a small group within weeks of moving here, and as if on cue, my small group leader met with me two weeks ago and told me that he wants to start seeing me more often. We'll likely be meeting this Friday.
In the same letter that the quote on the top of this post came from, Jeremy and Sarah Pearsons write: "What we found out is that true security and the comfort of the Holy Spirit belong to anyone who's willing to leave anything for Jesus' sake and the Gospel's [sake]." I believe that the Lord is teaching me to expand my horizons and to throw all of my security onto him, and to trust that he can handle me. I am so excited for this new adventure!
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