No New Friends?

This summer has been an interesting one for me. The nature of my research means that I have a ton more free time than normal, which is amazing. But the downside to having two months off from med school is that all of my school friends are off doing their own thing, and because I had no connections to the LA area before med school, I realized that I actually had very few friends in LA.

Drake coined the phrase “no new friends”, and I feel like that’s how millennial society approaches friendship. Friends—real ones, anyway—come few and far between, and once you leave school, you essentially have no chance of making any more real friends, so keep your real ones close and keep the rest of humanity at arm’s length. This is a decent philosophy—that is, if you stay in the same area and never move to a new place. For those of us who do make moves across the country to places where you don’t know a soul, we have to revise that a bit, don’t we?

The Bible says, “He who wants to have friends must show himself friendly.” Even our best friends start as people we’ve never talked to before, and it takes time—and multiple conversations—for people to become acquaintances, and even more of that to become friends. Many people (including me, as I found out this summer) stop right before the first conversation. It’s always awkward, and there’s the nagging fear that the person won’t like you or won’t want to hang out with you or will ALWAYS be too busy to hang out with you. As annoying as this sounds, the way to overcome that is to push past the fear and start reaching out to people. That doesn’t mean that you don’t feel any fear; you’re just not letting it dictate what you’re going to do. You’re taking control of the situation.

So without further ado, here are some tips for people who need to make new friends:

1.     As said above, you’re going to have to take control over your fear (AKA timidity or anxiety) or you won’t be able to do anything. That is NOT the same as pretending the fear is not there; you have to acknowledge your enemy in order to defeat it. You also have to learn where the enemy is coming from. Sometimes, the anxiety can be a relic of some bad experiences in your past. This was my case. I spent a large chunk of my childhood with literally no friends, and people essentially kept me at a distance. College and medical school gave me friends and I thought I was set, but then summer came and I was stuck in LA alone and the anxiety came back. My mom told me to reach out to people and the first time she told me that, I nearly had an emotional breakdown because I was so scared that people would reject me! I had to make myself a positive affirmation that basically said that I am not in middle school anymore and that people will like me, and I had to put that on my wall and affirm that to myself all the time. Only then was I able to start reaching out.

2.     Figure out what kind of people you want to meet, and then go where those people go. Meeting random people is great and all, but if you want to meet friends, the type of people that you would want to be around, you should go to the places you expect those people to be at. If you want to meet skaters, go to the skate park. If you want to meet dancers, take a dance class. If you want to meet Christians, go to church. For those who aren’t set on one “type” of person, religious (and probably humanist) organizations, park districts, and YMCAs are places that have diverse activities for diverse ages and stages of people, so those are great places to start. The Internet (Yelp and Meetup come to mind) can also help you find special interest groups where you can meet people. 

a.     A great way of meeting people is doing community service. Community service is the type of hard work that brings people together in solidarity, and many friendships can be made with volunteers as well as with the people you serve. (Also, people who are serving their communities are probably more likely to be generally nice and good people, especially if they’re volunteers.) A major thing that I did was to volunteer at my church’s youth camp, Encounter. With about 50-100 other volunteers, I helped run a three-day summercamp for 350 teenagers. Along the way, I made quite a few new friends, and got a couple of dope pictures.

3.     Go to where the people you want to meet are, and go there regularly. The reason why it’s so easy to make friends in school is because in school, you see the same people every day, so there’s room to have conversations and develop friendships. As an adult, you have to make that regularity a thing for yourself. The first couple of times are the most awkward, and that’s where most people quit. The people you meet the first week you go may not be there the next week, and you might feel left alone as a result. Don’t give up! Keep going there and introducing yourself to people. In time, you’ll meet other “regulars”, and there’s where the friendship starts!

4.     Do go to the places where the people you want to meet are, but also don’t forget that there may be new friends right in front of you that you haven’t met yet or given a chance. Sometimes, we can be such perfectionists that if a person doesn’t look like a best friend immediately we write them off. Your roommate who you get along with but never really talk to, the custodian you pass every day, the kid who sits next to you in class but isn’t in your “friend group”—all of these are potential friends. Strike up some conversations with them and see how that goes.  

5.     So you’ve met another person, and you like him or her. You vibe well and have good conversations. Good! Get their phone number or email and (if applicable) friend them on social media. How do you ask for their number? After a couple good conversations (and preferably when you’re about to leave), ask them, “hey, can we exchange numbers/emails/social media?” It’s likely that the person will give you at least one of the three, especially if they like you. Numbers, emails and social media enable you to keep up the friendship even if you don’t regularly see the person. They are key if you want to extend the friendship beyond just your weekly church meeting or yoga class. However…

6.     Don’t just get the person’s contact and then never contact them. Text them and start a conversation! A good way to start a conversation over text (without getting a one word response) is, “Hey, how are you? How’s your week going?” (They will then hopefully describe their week, and you can go from there.) You can also send the person an encouraging quote or a funny meme, or even a picture of cute kittens—anything that will brighten their day. On social media, don’t just scroll through their posts. Leave a nice comment on their Instagram post or Snapchat story, and give them the chance to reply to you. In time, you can also set up a real face-to-face meeting as well.

Here's a picture of some cute kittens. Send this to your new friend; they won't be able to resist!

These are just a few of the many tips that could be given. Experts have written plenty about this topic: there’s even a famous book called How To Win Friends and Influence People. I am not one of those experts, but I have been able to apply these tips this summer and see results. I hope this helps somebody.