the rougher side of being surrounded by “people who look like me”

I grew up mostly surrounded by white and Asian people. I was one of 3 black people in my middle school and one of maybe 30 in a high school of 2800. There was always this sense that I was “the other”. Whenever I walked into the room, I was the only person of my "category" there, and I couldn’t really do anything about it. 

But the thing is, sometimes I felt that way around black people too. Sometimes I would end up in groups of black people, but I wasn’t like those black people, and everyone knew it. People told me that I “acted white”. The way I spoke, the way I viewed school, the things I was interested in—they didn’t fit the mold of these black people. So I grew up basically never fitting in—too black for the white people, and too white (too much of an “Oreo”) for the black people.

When I went to college, everything changed. There were more black people around me than I had even been around in my life, but that wasn’t the thing. It was the kind of black people I was surrounded by. The black people at Harvard talked like me, dressed like me, valued education as much as me. They were to a large extent, like me. For the first time (at least in a school setting…refer to the “Black Panther” C&C post) I was surrounded by people who looked like me. And it was cool! it was cool hanging out with the other black girls and realizing that I wasn’t the only one of my "specific kind”, if you will.

But sometimes, it wasn’t so cool.

Here’s why.

All of a sudden, I had found my “group” per se. After a whole lifetime of not fitting in, I had finally found the group where I was supposed to “fit in”. These were the guys and girls that I was to look up to…and to set up as a benchmark. If I was not doing as well as them, and if I wasn’t doing the stuff they did or liking the stuff they liked, it made me less of a Black Harvard Girl. And who was I, if not a Black Harvard Girl? 

So instead of my friends they became my idols. If I didn’t think the exact same thing with the exact same perspective on an issue as they did, it made me question my own blackness. If I didn’t do as well in school as they did, it became a stumbling block to me. Why can’t I do as well as her? Am I not just like her?

It took me a couple of years to figure out that the answer to that is NO.

I am not just the sum of the people who look like me. I am ME. And each black girl who looks like me is not just “another black girl” either. Every person is fearfully and wonderfully made. Every person has their own UNIQUE gifts and/or talents. Each person is made to make his or her own mark on the world. Each person has his or her own race to run. I spent a lot of time looking at other black girls wondering why I didn’t run my race just like them, not knowing that my only job was to finish MY OWN race. And as I came into myself, I realized that difference is not an enemy. Other people thinking different, or learning different, is not bad. We can all make it to the other side.

Maybe you’re a black girl reading this, the opinion of another black girl, and you have never had this problem. That’s wonderful! You go be your beautiful black self! You don’t have to relate to me or people like me on everything ever. If you did, you’d be a copy, and that’s not who you’re made to be.

But I reckon I’m not the only person with this experience, which is why this post is public. Let’s help each other. :)